The past few days I’ve been trying to process something that I realize has bothered me for a long while. The bothered-ness ebbs and flows and this weekend I would suppose it is flowing? If flowing is the “lots” part of the ebbing and flowing.
Being misunderstood.
That’s it.
I can’t even fully explain or understand why it bothers me as much as it does. I do know part of it comes from the Prophet gifting I’ve been given.
I will say a lot that I know not everyone likes me. Oftentimes people will be quick to respond in one of two ways:
“oh, that’s not true! You’re so nice. You’re so kind. You’re so (sweet words).”
OR
They sort of laugh uncomfortably. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what to say at all…or they agree with me and don’t know if they should say it out loud.
I understand both responses.
I also know that I am not everyone’s favorite cup of tea.
And the truth is, that doesn’t even bother me at all. I do not mind if you don’t like me.
The part that bothers me is when people make assumptions about me, my motives, my choices, or my heart—then run with it like it is the absolute whole truth.
They don’t come to me to have conversations, ask questions, or show a willingness to hear another side.
They have one version of an event or of what they think they know about me and treat it like a solid, non-refutable fact.
That is the part that really gets to me.
You ask why?
The answer is: Because I care deeply (like a million-times deeply) about truth.
If you’re wondering…it’s another trait of that prophet gifting.
I care about the context of that truth.
I care about the reality that most situations have more than one person involved, more than one perspective, and more than one, two or ten layers.
Those are the things that probably fill me the most with the need to defend myself.
Believe it or not, it isn’t because I need everyone to agree with me.
I actually do not think I am always right, either.
But when something being said or assumed about me isn’t true, everything in me wants that truth to be told.
I desire for people to know my true and genuine heart.
I know I have a strong personality.
I know I’m pretty direct.
I know I don’t always blow sunshine and rainbows around me.
I know I can speak truth in a way that not everyone loves.
I know I hold boundaries, and boundaries are not always popular.
Want to know what else I know?
I know that I have a soft heart for people.
I wish more people understood that a strong personality and a soft heart can exist in the same place, the same person.
A person can be strong and still tender.
A person can be direct and still caring.
A person can hold a boundary and still love deeply.
A person can speak truth and still have a heart that breaks easily.
More times than maybe people would want to admit, I think people see the strong part first and decide that is all there is to me.
If my prophet heart is being honest? When people assume the worst of me, it is really hard to not just exile them. To show them the proverbial peace sign and walk away.
That feels so much easier. And would be when I’m in my fleshly side of my gifting—so not good.
It actually feels a lot safer to say, “Fine. If that’s what you want to believe, then believe it. Peace out, girl scout.”
Except, that isn’t always where I want to stay.
I don’t want to become hard because people misunderstand me.
I don’t want assumptions to steal the joy of the softness God has worked into my heart.
But then, there’s the other side.
I don’t want to spend my life chasing down every wrong idea someone has about me.
That’s the part I must learn, I guess.
To learn that being misunderstood and having peace can actually coexist.
That not everyone will actually want both sides of the story.
That no matter what happens people will choose to believe assumptions instead
of asking questions.
That some people will make their final decisions about who I am from a distance. Never getting closer than “what they heard” about me.
Regardless of all the feels, I can still keep living truthfully.
I can still know my own heart.
I can still let God know the full true story, even when other people do not.
I will also probably always still wish people would take the time to genuinely know me before deciding who I am.
I will always wish that truth matters more than assumptions.
I think the peace comes in learning that I do not have to defend every part of myself to every person—even if I so desperately want to.
Peace will come more as I learn to live with a strong personality and a soft heart—and fully believe that both can be true.
Even if not everyone will understand.
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