a little bit serious

 I started this post in my journal. It is just bits and pieces of my heart written quickly before the pieces are gone from my mind. I'm sitting here with my fingers on the computer keys, praying that my heart can get it all out on this blog post. 

Basically, this post is one that I'm sitting in front of the computer and typing it all out...not one that I've already written all out. OH! But I have written it in my head a thousand times. I've deleted lines. I've re-added them and deleted them again. Maybe they'll show up here, too. 

The title is "a little bit serious". I think it's more than a little bit serious. Maybe a better title could be "getting serious". What I do know, though, is that there really isn't a perfect title for this post. There isn't even a perfect way to write this post. I just know that it needs to get out of my heart and the page of my journal and onto the "pages" of this blog. 

When I craft and while I fold towels at work, I often just watch shows on my phone. Last week this show was an entire episode of friends searching and searching for a friend they were worried about. A friend that they were worried was going to end his life. The entire episode was each of the friends interviewing with a counselor and flashing back to the day of searching through their viewpoint. As viewers, we didn't know the results before they did.

Finally, the friend was found. The friend was found sitting at his favorite fishing spot...with a gun in his hand. He demanded that they stay away. Demanded that this was exactly what needed to be done. That this was going to be better. Better for everyone. 

Then the friends surrounding him started talking to him. They started telling him why this is NOT what needed to be done. Telling him what he meant to each of them. Telling him that they could not live without him in their lives. Telling him what he has done in their lives that changed their lives. 

Eventually, he set the gun down and with that down came his guard. He cried. They all hugged him. 

Of course, this is a TV show. BUT I literally had goosebumps listening to those friends talk to their friend. I had tears in my eyes as they hugged. 

The last friend they showed with the counselor hit home with me. He said "When I came up to him and saw him sitting there...I got it. I got why he was sitting there. I felt it. I have been there. I understood."

Isn't that what we all want? To be understood? To have someone GET us. Understand what we're going through. To know they've felt the things we're feeling...maybe even are feeling. 

Truth is. When that last friend was talking...I got it. I got what HE was saying because I have felt those same things. 

Last summer, when a family member ended her life, I got it. I understood what it must have felt like to think this was the "best and only way" out. (of course, this is not at all truth, but in those moments--it is a lie that feels exactly like truth)

When I heard him saying those words on this fictional TV show, it didn't feel like fiction at all. This stuff happens. In real life. 

Every single day...read that again...EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. in the US an average of 130 people decide to end their lives. 

130 people who believe their life is better off not living. 

This number are the people who take their lives. This is NOT the number of people considering it. I can't even begin to imagine how much larger the number is of people considering it. 

I've been one of those considering it people. I've been one of those considering it people more than just one day. I feel safe to assume, you know someone close to you that has been, too. Maybe they've shared it with you...but there are many out there that haven't. 

There's a shame surrounding mental health, I pray that some day we can get rid of it. I pray that me talking about it could encourage one other person to talk about it...and that it would ripple on and on! 

I haven't been sitting by my favorite fishing spot contemplating the end of my life. But I've been driving down the highway wondering if I drove head on into the semi coming at me if I would die on impact. I've been wondering how long I would have to hold a pillow over my face until I passed out and quit breathing. 

I've been there, friends. Praise God, I'm not there now. But I have been there. And I think it's important to know that I've struggled. Even more so, I'm not afraid to share about it. I want people to know it's absolutely okay to not be okay. I want people to know that they can struggle and they can get help for it. 

Here's the deal, though, we have NO IDEA what others are going through. No one walks around with a sign on them showing what they're going through or struggling with. No one walks around with a flashing light sharing that life really "sucks" lately, tread lightly around me. 

We don't know what others are going through. So, how about we treat others how we want to be treated? How about we show grace? To everyone. Not just those WE think deserve it. You know, how God gives us grace...when we don't deserve it, at all. 

I encourage you to share your struggles. You don't have to walk around shouting it from the roof tops, but share your hearts with someone. It's so important to share our hearts and get to know people. To form relationships that have depth. 

I encourage you to make it awkward. Not like "weird" awkward...but awkward in getting people comfortable with uncomfortable. Tell them what they mean to you. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them. Just tell them. It doesn't have to be in verbal words...but you can send a note or a text. Want to know what's awesome about those notes or texts? The person can (and probably will) save them...and when they're having one of those "sucky" days...they can have a physical reminder of someone they matter to. 

My kids think I'm a crazy lady. I will walk up to strangers and tell them I love their shoes. (I'm sure I've mentioned outfits, but shoes are at the top of my "love" list) But, come on!! Who doesn't like to feel the love of some super nice shoes!?!

Our first four kids were born close together. We had them in three and a half years (no twins). People stared and made a lot of rude comments. We heard far more rude comments than kind ones. But you know what? I'll never forget the comments and faces of the people who made the kind comments. I'll never forget the love and life they spoke into my weary momma heart. The sweet older lady at the Wheel of Fortune audition is a face and smile I've pulled out of my memory bank so many times. I do my best, then, to encourage young mommas when I see them. I've been the weird lady with tears in my eyes encouraging mommas that "THIS won't last forever!! It IS super hard right now! But you'll make it through!!" They smile at me, and I pray they hold onto those words tightly when a super hard moment comes up. 

The other week my husband and I were leaving Walmart and I saw a pregnant woman pushing out her cart. She was loading her car when I put our cart back and I saw a big ole case of water in her cart. I walked on over and said "I'm going to put this into your car for you." She insisted that I didn't need to do that...and I insisted it is exactly what I needed to do. I said "I know I would have loved if someone saw me big ole pregnant and put my water into my car for me." She smiled and said "thank you!" I said "you're welcome!" and walked away. It took me about 15 seconds to be nice and encourage someone. I'm not sharing this because I need or want some pat on the back, I'm sharing this to show just how easy it is to be kind to someone. 

As my husband and I drove away, a man stopped the van. Shaun rolled down the window and the man peaked his head in, looked at me and said "That was really nice of you. Really nice of you." I sort of stared at him and I *think* I said "thank you?" I don't even remember. Like I said, I didn't do it for any sort of thanks. I did it because I would have loved if someone had done it for me. 

This last weekend we helped out with a brat fry. When we went in and grabbed more brats to fry, my husband asked the man helping us if he'd like a brat. The look on his face was shock. He clearly had never been offered a brat before. He said, "yeah, yeah, I would." 

Again, not sharing at all for accolades, but sharing because it was a simple gesture. A simple act of kindness. 

Both times, though, it felt like the person on the receiving end was in shock. Shock that someone would be kind like that to them. 

Let's start making it NORMAL and NOT shocking to be kind to people. Let's make RANDOM acts of kindness...NORMAL acts of kindness. That people are so used to having NICE things happen to them. Nice things that happen because people are being kind...not to get anything in return or thanks or anything. Just, simply, being kind. 

So, yeah, this post is a bit more than a little bit serious. I am 100% a lot serious when I say...your life is worth living. Not only is your life worth living, your life is worth living in kindness and love. And for the days you can't feel those things...your life is worth giving over to Christ...so you can rely on HIM for those hard moments. He loves you, let him. 

♡ap